I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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