We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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