I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
