This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
