I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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