If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
