I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i now understand why vodka
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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