Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's shark week go big or go home
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
