the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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