I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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