i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
do nipples grow back?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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