I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
