In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
