I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
