We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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