i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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