help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
