ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
