Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
