omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
