he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I want to fling myself into the sun
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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