My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
