So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
