I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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