So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
