nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
