I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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