Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
