And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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