Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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