they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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