M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
