if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize