If that was your dad, he is hot
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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