I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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