I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
