I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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