dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
