Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
there was a trapeze. enough said
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
