my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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