Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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