That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
