My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
