im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
