I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
