Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
