Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
