And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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