Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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