Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
