Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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