Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
