I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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