He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
