if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
