Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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