she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
