I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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