he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize