I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
