i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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