I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My cat gives me a boner
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
