John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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