I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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