Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
