i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
