Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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