ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
