Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My vagina is officially offended.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
