Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize