Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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