Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
