True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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