I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
