before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
