I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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