If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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