I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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