Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
